Rita Ora’s “Party and Bullshit” has been renamed “How We Do (Party)”. Please update your music libraries accordingly. That score, by the way, is still a 7/10.
50 plays and one unhealthy addiction later, One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful” has now been upgraded from a 7/10 Hit to a 10/10 Life-Altering Anthem. A few other minor corrections to that review: I neglected to including how incredible the harmony is on the first line of the last chorus - it gives me the tingles inside; I will absolutely care about this song 10 years from now; and it has every reason to exist.
The Wanted are still hot. Tom Parker can have my babies.
Song: Warzone by The Wanted
It Exists
Oh, The Wanted. If One Direction are the adorable new British popstars you’d take home to mom, The Wanted are their hotter, angrier, more fuckable older brothers. They had a solid debut in the US with “Glad You Came” (wink wink), and this is one of the new singles of their new album. If this were Eff-Marry-Kill, you’d marry One Direction, eff The Wanted, and probably kill Pitbull.
It’s a Hit
A moody piano intro firmly places us into midtempo angry power ballad territory, much like Adele’s “Set Fire to the Rain” or Backstreet Boys anthem “Incomplete”.
In fact, “Incomplete” seems to be this song’s main inspiration: building, emotional verses, a sudden crashing chorus where all The Wanted boys (so hot! so wanted!) pound their fists on the sand or grass or dirt or whatever is close enough to pound angrily, melodrama to spare. It’s quite brilliant.
The second verse has the now-obligatory dubstep squabbling that manages to distinguish this just enough from not only their initial, clubbier hit “Glad You Came”, but also all of the Backstreet Boys output pre-2010.
The anguished wail of “What are we fighting for” brings to mind the all-time life theme song “Battlefield”. Eat your heart out, Jordin Sparks. I’m sure you’re hungry.
I want to sing this on a cliff while waves crash behind me. This is a thing, and will probably really be a thing next time I drunk shower. Sorry in advance neighbors.
It’s Shit
The bridge also has a weird moody, moany part that may be one step too far across the line of forced melodrama, especially when the final chorus is so expansive and great.
War/combat metaphors as a representation of love? How current and original. I’m sure nobody has ever tried that before.
Verdict: 7/10, It’s a Hit
Track Name
Can't Say No
Album
Can't Say No - Single
Artist
Conor Maynard
Song: Can’t Say No by Conor Maynard
It Exists
British street urchin Conor Maynard follows the Justin Bieber path of YouTube-whore-turned-teen-idol. This is his first real big boy single. It’s also really amazing.
It’s a Hit
This is what the Bieb’s new single wanted to be: minimalist, smooth, flirty and safe enough for the younger girls but full of enough innuendos to make the average cougar hot under the jeggings.
The beat is fuzzy 8-bit goodness, as if it was made it on an original GameBoy back in 1991. I love these types of beats. Mike Posner wishes he gave Justin Bieber this beat.
Conor’s voice is actually quite decent: it is mercifully free of much AutoTune, and pairs with the beat nicely. Plus he skipped the whole puberty transition that the Biebs had to suffer through (sidenote: how does the Biebs look more and more feminine as his voice gets deeper and deeper? He literally is Hilary Swank. MINDFUCK).
The chorus is pop gold, a nice crescendo of vocal and instrumental hooks, bouncing along and making it very clear what is on Conor’s mind: “GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS!”
Any song that gets the line “Never see ‘em coming/Just watch them go” past the censors and into the mainstream is pretty brilliant. Well done.
It’s Shit
The lyrics are about as deep as a contact lens.
This song should really have gone to Pop Prince Jesse McCartney, who is overdue for an 8th comeback despite how brilliant “Departure” was (and, to be honest, still is).
Verdict: 8/10, It’s a Hit
Track Name
Only the Horses
Album
Only the Horses - Single
Artist
Scissor Sisters
Song: Only the Horses by The Scissor Sisters
It Exists
The Scissor Sisters usually revel in campy dancefloor fillers that don’t take themselves too seriously, and are thus loved and revered by the homosexuals. This new single takes a more serious approach to their typical sound, and look who’s with them - Calvin Harris!
It’s a Hit
Calvin mercifully spares us from “We Found Love 4.0”, producing instead a thumping disco beat that, though still full of keyboard riffs and the twinkly carnival noises that Calvin loves so much, sounds less like his usual stuff and more like a Kylie Minogue throwback. Hmm, I just mentioned Kylie throwbacks. This post is getting gayer by the second.
Lead singer Jake Shears has a lovely falsetto that recalls Mika and is perfect for the verses and the anthemic chorus.
And let’s GET to that chorus: the beat drops and we have some lovely, soaring epicness. “Only the horses/Can find us tonight”. What does it mean? NO FUCKING CLUE. But I want to sing it while standing on a cliff while waves crash behind me.
The breakdown is dance-y and fun, and there’s also a nice emotional tinge to the song, not unlike “We Found Love”.
The final chorus comes out of nowhere, crashing in and being perfect.
Probably the best chance The Scissor Sisters have of a mainstream breakthrough, and it’s a good song to boot.
It’s Shit
The epic nature of the chorus, despite being the strongest part of the song musically, hides the potential that the lyrics are all some goofy gobbledy-gook. I can accept (and even embrace) vague prattling about love in hopeless places, and also confusing pronoun usage courtesy of Cheryl, but this may be a bit too Lisa Frank day-glo unicorn folder, even for ME.
Wait I’ve actually just reconciled this last point and love the song again.
Verdict: 8/10, It’s a Hit
Track Name
Call My Name
Album
A Million Lights
Artist
Cheryl Cole
Song: Call My Name by Cheryl
It Exists
After providing 50% of the soundtrack to my study abroad semester in London with “Fight For This Love” (the other 50% obviously being “Bottoms Up” by KeKe Palmer), Cheryl (formerly Cheryl Cole, soon to be just Cher, then C, then a glottal stop) debuts the first single from her new album, “A Million Lights”. And look who’s with her - Calvin Harris!
It’s a Hit
This has enough keyboard vamps, whooshing hooks, and slapping bass to absolutely demolish the clurbs. From the intro, I’m on board - obvious comparisons to “We Found Love” be DAMNED.
The lyrics in the chorus - “How d’you think I feel when you call my name?/You’ve got me confused by the way I change” - mean nothing, and alternate perhaps a bit confusingly between first and second person pronouns, but they’re easy to learn and yell after your fifth tequila shot.
The verses have a nice farting bass that add a dark tone to the effort, and the bridge has a nice, airy, mesmerizing “I-I-I-I” moment that sounds great in contrast to the farts.
The breakdown is refreshingly different from previous Harris efforts, a bit more blippy and bloopety than “We Found Love”.
It’s Shit
Okay, I know I said comparisons be damned, but this is 100% “We Found Love 3.0” (2.0 being, of course, Calvin Harris feat. Ne-Yo with “Let’s Go”). The keyboard vamps are carbon copies, and the slamming acceleration right before the chorus isidentical to the breakdown in “WFL”. I love that song, obviously, and I enjoy this song, but I’m left wanting a bit more I guess.
Cheryl sounds a bit anonymous on this - she’s clearly not a powerhouse vocalist, but the production tends to overwhelm her light, breathy voice. She sounds less like a singer and more like another instrument in the Calvin Harris machine.
Verdict: 7/10, It’s a Hit
Song: Whistle by Flo Rida
It Exists
As most things in pop music do, the renaissance of the whistle in pop came about thanks to Miss Britney Jean Spears in “I Wanna Go”. Since then, as can be seen in songs such as “Moves Like Jagger”, “It Girl”, and “Pumped Up Kicks, it’s apparent that the whistle is having a moment (as are, apparently, blow job metaphors). And who else but Flo Rida to do exactly what everyone else is doing and have a song that is quite blatant in its titular “Whistle”?
It’s a Hit
BUT OH THAT WHISTLE.
The beat is that same kind of guitar-strumming, slapping bass, kinetic energy found in such recent Flo Rida abortions as “Good Feeling” and “Hangover”, but throw a whistle in there, and I’m sold. In fact, this is exactly “Hangover” without its sinister bass and Taio Cruz.
Flo Rida songs only work in one place, and we all know that place is not the verses. The chorus here is just one big, obvious, not-even-thinly-veiled-because-that-still-implies-a-veil reference to oral sex. Let me quote this verbatim so as not to lose any of its subtlety: “Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby, let me know/Girl I’m gonna show you how to do it and we’ll start real slow/You just put your lips together and you come real close/Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby - HERE WE GO” AND THEN WE GO INTO THE WHISTLE AND IT’S GREAT AGAIN.
He goes for “whistle while you work it”. And at this point, why not?
It’s Shit
There are verses.
Did I saw a few posts ago that Pitbull is the worst? Actually, it’s Flo Rida. Sometimes Bruno Mars.
I just tried to give the verses a second chance and still have literally no idea what the fuck Flo Rida is blathering about. Sometimes I think he’s the love child of AutoTune and a random word generator.
Verdict: 8/10 (literally 7 of those points are for the whistle)
Track Name
Payphone (feat. Wiz Khalifa)
Album
Payphone (feat. Wiz Khalifa) - Single
Artist
Maroon 5
Song: Payphone by Maroon 5 feat. Wiz Khalifa
It Exists
After a return to the top of the charts with “Moves Like Jagger” (and a guest return to the top 5 for Adam Levine with “Stereo Hearts”), mellow mid 00’s pop-rockers Maroon 5 hope to claim Summer 2012 as well with this debut single from their new album. By the way, are there 5 members in Maroon 5? Is it anybody else but Adam Levine? Name one other member of Maroon 5. I’ll wait.
It’s a Hit
Adam Levine shirtless photos, on their own, merit this song at least a 5. Anything else is just hit gravy on those muscly mashed potatoes.
The beat (by Shellback and Benny Blanco) is a bit “Just The Way You Are” (light, airy, and dominated by Levine’s vocals), a bit “Stereo Hearts” (slower and rhythmic), and a bit lighter Ke$ha. It’s very upbeat and summery despite the song’s heavy subject material. Not too original, but incredibly catchy on one listen.
Maroon 5 knows its way around a love song, a break-up anthem, and a party starter, but this song may have the most love-lorn emotion of any single of theirs yet. “Even the sun sets in paradise” is pretty heartbreaking, to be honest. This could be the Bailey’s talking.
The chorus is punchy and anthemic, especially the second half that begins with “If happy ever afters did exist…”. Levine’s voice sounds both angry and wounded, and the harmonies and echoes are quite lovely.
The bridge works nice well, with Levine’s start and stop lamentations pairing nicely with the beat.
It’s Shit
Oh hey there, Wiz, whatcha doin’ here? Thought so.
Despite its upbeat tune and Levine’s sunny voice, this song is pretty brutal to contend for Song of Summer (which, evidenced by Wiz and crossover appeal, it clearly is). Couldn’t we have started with a love song and then gotten darker around August?
Verdict: 8/10, It’s a Hit
Track Name
Fucking Best Song Everrr
Album
Fucking Best Song Everrr - Single
Artist
Wallpaper
Song: Fucking Best Song Everrr by Wallpaper
It Exists
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to your drunk singalong anthem of summer 2012.
It’s a Hit
I would say that this song fills the void left by LMFAO in the wake of their one-two punch of “Party Rock Anthem” and “Sexy and I Know It”, but LMFAO are kind of themselves a void, so perhaps it’s just best to say that if you want mindless, shallow, ridiculously fun dance music that requires negative thought, here ya go.
The beat is anything but subtle, the “singing” lacks any sort of musical ability, and the lyrics are beyond easy to memorize. These may sound like criticism, but for a song like this, they’re essential.
“My name is ___, and I’m an alcoholic” is a perfect way to begin the song. Ke$ha’s probably jealous she didn’t snag that hook for her new single (which needs to happen real soon).
The Spanglish pre-chorus is fun and probably not socially just.
The chorus takes this from good to great: “Best friends/You are my fucking best friends/Seriously/It’s like the best night ever/This song/I’m really feeling this song/This song/Fucking best song ever”. Not Shakespeare, no, but who hasn’t felt like this after an amazing night out with friends?
Stays clever and energetic all the way through, alternating between drunk sentiment and dance breakdowns.
It’s Shit
The breakdown itself, which was clearly taken from the LMFAO leftover bin, is a bit less crazy and nutty than it could be.
Verdict: 8/10, It’s a Hit
Song: Laserlight by Jessie J. feat. David Guetta
It Exists
Oh, Jessie J. You weird little chameleon. You’ve tried Natty B. uplifting jams (“Price Tag”, now playing at a romantic comedy preview near you). You already worked with David Guetta on one of the better songs from his last album (“Repeat”). You literally were Katy Perry on “Domino”. And now, instead of guesting on a David Guetta track, he “guests” on your track. Because of course.
It’s a Hit
Double-J sounds pretty solid on the verses, which are basically the verses of “Repeat” repeated. Basic echo-y guitar, some sad lamentations, a little bit of David Guetta thumpy drum kit.
Hey, Jessie, guess what? You hit the right at the end of the verse on “aliii-iiiiiive!” Good on ya!
The David Guetta post-chorus breakdown is a bit different from his usual post-chorus breakdowns, with a buzzy, droning synth that carries over from the chorus into the throw-ya-hands-into-the-air dance part.
The second half of the chorus is awesome: “You make me feel good/You make me feel safe/You make me feel like I could live another day”.
It’s Shit
What the balls is a laserlight? And how does it have this significant emotional impact on Jessie J?
Also, this is the second overarching metaphor that JJ has botched, after “Domino”. Great song, JJ, but what the balls does it have to do with dominoes?
Sounds not only a LOT like “Repeat”, but has the same slow verses and suddenly amped up chorus of “Without You”. In other words, David Guetta stopped trying at approximately “Club Can’t Handle Me”.
Why do we have “David G” and “Jessie J” name drops halfway through the song? WE CAN’T ALL BE JASON DERULOS NOR SHOULD WE TRY.
Verdict: 6/10, It’s a Hit
Track Name
Dance Again (feat. Pitbull)
Album
Dance Again (feat. Pitbull) - Single
Artist
Jennifer Lopez
Song: Dance Again by JLo feat. Pitbull
It Exists
This quote from the song’s Wikipedia entry perhaps best sums up its existence: “Lopez is unsure whether or not the song is a single from her upcoming greatest hits album, or a new studio album.” In other words, hey, “On the Floor” was a hit, let’s make the exact same song again and figure out why later! Great strategy JLo - you’re relevant again, rhyme or reason be damned!
It’s a Hit
Is it though?
The beat’s almost identical to that of “On the Floor”, minus some of the cheesy Ibiza sleaze. Thankfully, the beat is one of the best parts of the older song, and this is one perhaps even more upbeat, which works well for the song.
I enjoy the line “love to make love to you baby”. Perhaps I’m being generous.
The chorus is euphoric enough that I won’t hate it at the clurbs.
It’s Shit
Ugh. Why.
Yes, this is clearly a gettin’-drunk-in-the-clurbs song, but why why WHY are the lyrics so bad? JLo must have written the chorus while she was already a bazillion tequila shots in, producing the following thought pattern: “Well, when I’m at the club, I certainly want to dance. I guess I also want to love. What’s a third thing I would like to do at the clubs? Hmm, I could always … dance … again?” What about a third time, JLo? LEAVE NO DANCE STONE UNTURNED.
There’s some really weird AutoTune going on about halfway through each verse. Whatever.
Pitbull’s just the fucking worst. I liked “Give Me Everything”, I tolerated his guest verses on every other Enrique song, and now I just really need him to sit a couple fucking turns out. I’m creating the Shitbull Scale where every time he throws out one of his many tired catchphrases, the entire song loses a point. Let’s explore:
Mr. Worldwide: 2
Mr. 305: 0
Dale: 1
That awful wail thing where he kind of goes wheeeeeee-ooo!: 2
Now fuck you pay me: 0
Any time he giggles at his own wordplay: 7
Any time he rhymes “Kodak” with “Kodak”: 0
Pop culture references from 2009: 2
The worst thing is that this song will probably be on repeat for like three weeks. I hate myself.
Verdict (without Shitbull Scale): 3/10, It’s Shit
Verdict (with Shitbull Scale): -11/10, I Literally Hate Everything
